(so new i don’t even have artwork yet) :)

Here is a minimal mix of one of my new songs. I just decided to say screw my anxiety and post it. This version is really stripped down because i decided it feels more like how i feel when i am going through ptsd and i’m talking myself back to normal in my mind. meditative. electric. slightly disconnected. it’s kind of like being in my head. anyway…. hope you like it even though it’s different. xx

when you are young
you fly close to danger
you try to test the darkness
to prove you aren’t afraid

i flew too reckless
i’d been too sheltered
i thought that violence was like a movie
or all of those lines in books i read…
but when the punch connects
you feel your body breaking
and it’s nothing that you could ever anticipate

i tried hard to swallow
but the blood was too thick

i flew up like a sparrow
but smacked back into the wall

tried to cover the hollow
but the flames engulfed it…

and i watched my body slowly burn down to the bone.


and when the wind blew apart my ashes
in that endlessness i felt the expansive presence of God

the infinite

i was born anew
with a spine of steel and an empathy for all who suffer

now i know i know nothing
so i pray for patience
i don’t need the answers
i just want to be a part of the love
i just want to be a part of the love.

Baby weight.

With both babies I gained the exact same weight no matter what I did or didn’t eat or do. 65 lbs. unholy. I’m not the girl who snaps back together like a rubber band. No way. I still have 17 lbs to lose to be pre-babies weight. My main focus this year has been getting my range of motion back because by the end with both I couldn’t even walk. I’m one of the lucky 15% who get a condition that causes unrelenting pain in exactly the most wrong place to have unrelenting pain. SPD is the devil. I barely feel pain anymore but I’m so cautious. But I feel I can finally take on some more strenuous exercises. I’m so cautious when it comes to losing weight. I had major ed problems when I was in my early twenties. I will never go back there into the void of that hopeless obsessed self destruction. I used to rationalize losing weight at the detriment of my health and organs. That is just so stupid. Even stupider I still have these “brilliant” ideas bouncing through my skull. The difference is that now I care about myself and these ideas immediately sound stupid. But losing 17 lbs the slow cautious way is taking a lot of patience. I know the fast way. I was “good at” the stupid way. But I look forward to fully restoring myself back to the best shape ever the healthy way. I’ve never had to do this before. It’s hard! I try to walk five miles a day and eat good foods. That is my only plan. I’m also not the girl who loses tons of weight breast feeding. I wish! In fact I feel my body is hanging on to weight because of it. Lucky me! But violet is healthy and happy so it’s not a major complaint. :)

Being a mom is the best thing to ever happen to me. It is also the hardest. I live to make sure they are happy and that their needs are met. However, I feel maybe that I have given up too much of myself. There is no balance. I do what has to be done while music and art swirl around in my mind but just out of my reach. I’m cleaning food off of the wall while I write a lyric. I am comforting a crying baby while I work on an arrangement in my head. I sketch concepts for art in my head while feeding the baby and lulling her to sleep. If I were to die all of that creation would die with me. None of it has been transferred to the physical world. I do have songs written four years ago that are closer to completion but I haven’t touched them at all in six months. Not for lack of desire but because I don’t know how to fight for them. So much is needed from me for other people. I have fallen into the rhythm of this and succumbed to it for the sake of those I love the most. But as time is passing I feel like a plant dying in the shade. I don’t see the solution. I have given up so many things. Like balloons I just let go of and I’m watching them disappear into the sky. But this can’t happen. Having lost my language and outlet I will fill with steam until I explode. Too many feelings, memories to process the only way I ever have. That is the block. I see it now. I know why I have been stuck. There is just so much there I have been afraid to look at it all. To acknowledge my own needs. To acknowledge them is to need to take an action. But since I don’t see how I just hold my breath for a little longer. But I’ve reached the limit of that kind of neglect. Things must change. I must change them.

I thought this whole time that my posts from elsewhere were feeding into my blog. I guess not! well… other posts are on facebook.com/lindastrawberry and instagram.com/lindastrawberry and twitter.com/lindastrawberry 

Right now I am looking at six new frames that need to be painted, trying to decide what to do with them, art or photo. My living room is in flux because I am changing everything around. I moved all my art/music stuff to the ‘space’ - our massive garage which is now our work space. :) 

I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. All of my stuff is all over the place because the last year and a half for me has been chaos with the new baby. I’m trying to pull myself back together across all fronts. 

The other day I had a really long talk with my friend about all of this. He’s always all over the world and completing really big projects so the way he thinks about things is different than other people. He also gives it to me straight which is something I really appreciate. 

I realized in this conversation that I had given in to a narrative that I am in some blank and frozen space creatively even though I know that is not the case because I have so many ideas right now. The trouble I have been having is that after a 12+ hour day with the kids I get to the 4 hours at night that are only mine and I end up staring at the wall instead of finishing a song or painting something. I have been beating myself up over this instead of being realistic. I can’t work every second of the day. My brain needs downtime. But then what. I can’t just not create. I have a zillion songs to finish and art I want to create. So here is my problem right now. 

That is why I moved my stuff out of the house into the space. I’m hoping that it will be easier for me to get to some of the things I want to do if I have my own space somewhere completely dedicated to creating. I miss Strawberryland. I miss Strawberry everything. I miss the thrill of playing a new song. I guess we’ll see… 

Oh, Uncle Sugar

First, if Huckabee had a baby oven in him he would never have said such a stupid thing. 

Second, these Republican men who say such things seem to me to have no real knowledge of how a woman’s body works. 

Thirdly, every woman needs to imagine what life was like before contraception in the U.S. Every time you had sex with your husband or partner was a roll of the dice. Having been through two difficult pregnancies, this would be a terror. If you look up what this is like for women in other countries with no access to birth control, it is a terror.

a. Mike Huckabee must think women are idiots, or is appealing to men who think women are idiots.

b. This misogynist undertone - wishing women back into the days when we had much less control over our reproductive systems. Is this a wish we would go back to the barefoot and pregnant days, before the feminist movement, before we could vote or own property and all of these rights we have fought for in the last century? This must be an attempt to appeal at that kind of man that also wishes women out of the workplace, doesn’t believe sexual harassment is a real issue, and believes that women should follow and be ‘obedient’ to their husbands. 

c. i don’t hear them arguing against viagra. So, are they are envisioning a world in which men can take a prescribed boner pill and women should have to pay out of pocket to keep themselves from getting pregnant? Terror.

No. Just no. Women are never going to allow this to happen again. No way. It is basic women’s health and definitely should be covered. What puzzles me is that these men have wives. What are these wives thinking? What do they have to say on the issue? Have they given up their voice in subservience, or are they ignorant as well? 

But, actually, since I am a pro-female, progressive thinking type that believes strongly in gender equality in every way… idiots like this will just help sink themselves in the mid terms this year. So, actually… talk away… Half of this country are women. Let’s see what they have to say about it when they vote. (which 100 years ago, we couldn’t do)

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/wp/2014/01/23/mike-huckabee-and-womens-uncontrolled-libido-or-uncle-sugar/

http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/huckabee-women-libidos-and-uncle-sugar

the anti-diet.

I just can’t diet anymore. I have reached total “diet” fatigue. I think that ever since junior high I have tried every single one. For a while I took it to major extremes and got myself into trouble, developing an eating disorder at the end of high school that took me years to heal from. 

Food can be so healing, and yet food is our country’s leading cause of death. http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/6438.php

Food has become more addictive than cigarettes or cocaine with all the salt, fat, sugar and chemical additives.  http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2011/11/03/fatty-and-sugary-food-as-addictive-as-cocaine-and-nicotine_n_1073513.html

It’s no wonder people are spinning around in addictive cycles with food. preoccupation > ritual > acting out > guilt and shame.. and repeat. There is a lot of pain stored in those fat cells. 

I can’t do it. It doesn’t work. The only thing that does work for me is a longterm lifestyle and psychological change. A crash diet is not going to make anything better. 

I don’t want to ever look at food as the enemy again, or deal with total panic after eating something. Food addiction is the worst in my opinion because no matter what you have to face it 3 times a day. 

I only believe in mindful eating now. In my opinion it is the only thing that works. Every time i look at food now I want to feel gratitude not panic. Really thinking about what it is that I am eating changes my choices. If my thoughts are more focused on loving myself, and appreciating my health, and loving my body - that over time changes my choices. It has to be a long term lifestyle change. it has to be about appreciation for the abundance we have when so many millions are starving. It has to be appreciation for all of the people all down the line who grow, pick, process, ship, organize, cook etc. until it reaches the table. etc. 

The more nutrient dense foods you eat the more you crave them and the less you want junk. But I think if you really want something - have it. But don’t ‘coma eat’ it. Don’t shame eat it and then starve yourself out of guilt. Don’t let it overcome your thoughts and destroy your day. 

The diet industry thrives on that cycle. The fashion industry also thrives in our body dysmorphic culture. I don’t want to waste any more time on these things in my life. 

Ever since I started down this way of thinking it has healed me so much. I still have to catch thoughts that come up in my mind out of habit but I just dissolve them. I will never diet again. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/08/dining/mindful-eating-as-food-for-thought.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/25/for-buddhist-master-you-a_n_828450.html

"First, let us reflect on our own work and the effort of those who brought us this food.
Second, let us be aware of the quality of our deeds as we receive this meal.
Third, what is most essential is the practice of mindfulness, which helps us to transcend greed, anger and delusion.
Fourth, we appreciate this food which sustains the good health of our body and mind.
Fifth, in order to continue our practice for all beings we accept this offering
-  The Five Reflections, from the Zen tradition”

image

My Golden Globes best dressed winners. These dresses are perfection. I want to rip off Juliana’s dress and wear it every day. :) 

Cate Blanchett is wearing Armani Prive (i wish I could find a good picture of the back of it. 

Julianna Marguiles is wearing Andrew Gn.

Photo by @smashleywalters

Photo by @smashleywalters

Photo by @smashleywalters

Photo by @smashleywalters

New Year - baby weight.

There’s something nice about feeling like a page has turned and I am facing a new blank year. It’s a nice illusion. I love blank pages, you never know what’s going to fill them. 

I don’t do resolutions anymore because the last couple of years I have learned that with children you just never know how it’s going to go. ;)

Instead I have a future vision that I can build like an accordion to expand and contract in whatever chaos greets me this year. I have ideas but I’m not able to pressure myself that they must happen or bust like I used to. I have to find a new motivation that is based in the big picture. 

I do have a few things I want to work on daily though. I’m still regaining range of motion from my skeletal nightmare from being pregnant last year with extreme PGP/SPD aggravated by an old car accident injury. I was on bed rest or partial rest or just plain couldn’t move for half of it so I lost muscle tone + I’m just one of those people that gains weight during pregnancy. So, i have that to lose. But, I am not panicked about it like I was the first time. I know it takes time but I will get myself back. I’m a lot easier on myself this time. First, I need to be able to exercise without hurting myself. i’m just coming from a different point of view. It’s an important goal for me to get back into the best shape I can but I’m lacking the anxiety behind it that I used to have. I’m more coming from a place of wanting to be strong and restore myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I still held my breath for a moment seeing myself in a 3 way dressing room mirror when we were Christmas shopping. Whoever lit that place is Satan. But I didn’t inwardly attack myself like I used to do - I just took notes in my mind of what i had just put myself through. The body in that reflection has grown 2 humans. The fact that i didn’t have to jedi mind trick myself as much into feeling this way makes me happy. I just feel like after putting my body through 2 pregnancies I want to restore it and get stronger than ever because i hopefully have a long life ahead and I want to be as healthy and active a possible in the future. 

It was so scary when I couldn’t move during the last part of my pregnancy last year. I started to really worry what damage was occurring. it’s a weird thing to send signals to your body to move a certain way and have it not happen. I still have some things that I can’t do but I’m so grateful for how much I’ve already recovered. 

With each passing year I feel calmer. I am now 11 years recovered from an eating disorder. I really scared myself back then at the self destructive extremes I was able to take myself to. There was so much pain in it. So much insecurity. I didn’t want to live my life that way or end my life that way. The thing that got me motivated to get better was my future vision of my children. So even before they were here they gave me strength. Now that they are here they make me happier and more whole than I ever thought I could feel. My body gave me that. I have so much gratitude so there is no way i could harm myself now. 

Speaking of kids, I hear them waking up so, I’d better stop writing now. I didn’t know what I was going to write about this morning. Like i said, I love blank pages. ;)